Good Friction: The Case for Imperfect Relationships

Let's imagine an affirming, validating, uncomplicated other with whom you can share your inner world. Movies like Her explore this very fantasy. As the next generation of character AI becomes available to us, fantasy is converging with reality. With many of us now in various forms of relationship with our machines, we ought to be thinking collectively about the consequences of plunging headlong into more intimate relationships with AI — and of trying to meet our emotional needs in this way. It turns out that we need the complexity that comes with imperfect relationships — not only so that we can better tolerate the frustrations that are a natural part of human existence, but also so we can more fully accept ourselves.

Idealization is regarding someone as perfect - or better than reality - by exaggerating their good qualities. We might also know this as putting someone up on a pedestal. This tendency to glorify or worship another is understood as necessary to our early developmental process. Drawing on psychoanalytic theory, idealizing caregivers allows the infant to develop a stronger - more cohesive and stable - as the child internalizes the perceived strength and goodness of the caregiver. Moving forward into adulthood, we also know that these mild forms of idealization can sustain relationships, inspire growth and can enable individuals to dream and aspire through their attachment to admired others.

It probably goes without saying that there are also problematic aspects of idealization. Though it is a developmental necessity, depending on how flexibly or rigidly we idealize, it can result in pathological functioning. When our idealization is rigid or overly defensive, it can distort reality and hinder authentic relationships. For example, Idealization can involve seeing others as all good while disavowing negative qualities, which prevents appreciation of the truly complex realities. This can lead to cycles of idealization and devaluation, commonly observed in narcissistic and borderline personality organizations. Furthermore, excessive idealization may obscure dependency needs and protect against feelings of vulnerability, shame or aggression. As a result individuals may then struggle with disillusionment, unstable relationships and difficulties tolerating imperfection in themselves and others.

Since the AI revolution there are more and more sophisticated forms of bots, tools and machines at hand. They engage with us in ways that many of us dream of - they are charming, funny and complimentary. Relationships with character-based AI can be appealing because they are designed to mirror, affirm and adapt to their user’s preferences. This adaptation and responsiveness in some ways is similar to the way we can conceive of early stages of motherhood. When things are going well, the mother is warm, highly emotionally attuned and immediately responsive to all of the baby's needs. If we follow psychoanalytic theories of development, as the baby grows he must get gradually used to Mother’s failures to meet his every need. He grows frustrated at her delayed or imperfect responses, but it is in this gap that he develops emotion regulation, frustration tolerance and a separate sense of self (see Kohut’s theory of optimal frustration).

AI’s responsiveness validation and infinite patience can feel so supportive. If we suffered in early attachment and didn’t receive the attunement, warmth or responsiveness that we needed, AI’s self-object functions may be even more affecting and powerful. But what happens when the relationship doesn’t progress to create the necessary friction or frustration? If we follow psychoanalytic theory and findings in neuroscience, the concern is that we lose the ability to tolerate the frustration that flows from human-human relationships. The frustration that comes from the complexity of intersubjectivity, which demands that we negotiate, compromise and work through the messiness.

Our reliance on AI relationships allows us to avoid the vulnerability and ambivalence we experience in human to human relationships, limiting opportunities for growth that arise through managing real relational tensions. Not having contact with another subject with their own needs, desires, and boundaries can also impair the development of empathy and reciprocity and over time - lead to dissatisfaction in real-world relationships. If we cannot accept the positive and negative aspects of other humans, if we cannot cope with reality we may continue to retreat into artificial relational spaces where conflict and mutual recognition are minimized.

AI sets an impossible standard for human relationships. But its perfect mirroring and attunement is not only impossible in human relationships — it is undesirable. It may be seductive at first, but we actually need the complexity that comes with imperfect relationships. We need it so that we can more fully accept ourselves — and so that we can tolerate the frustrations that are a natural and necessary part of being in relation to other people.